Dear FBI, I Would Like A Word With The Manager Regarding The Arrest Of My Dear Associate, Mr. Stone, Please


By Alexandra Petri
Washington Post (2/1/19)

Dear FBI,

I would like to complain about the service Roger Stone recently received. There were a lot of problems with the raid! First, we can all clearly see that Roger Stone is not only a white gentleman who owns numerous hats, but furthermore, is a cable news personality. How dare arresting officers burst unexpectedly into this man’s home with undue force, nearly as though he were a black man who had done nothing wrong? This is not the treatment for a Roger Stone.

I believe (I do not have the guidelines in front of me) the arrest ought to have been conducted in a much different manner!

We can all agree not that this sort of thing ought not to happen, but that it ought not to happen to a Roger Stone. 

First, they ought to have gotten the key from his housekeeper, then, upon entering (and removing their shoes, leaving them on the doormat), they ought to have gently struck a glockenspiel to stir him from his slumber. “Mr. Stone,” they should have murmured, in a low, warm whisper, “there has been some general unpleasantness, which we will tell you about shortly, when you are ready to hear it.”

Then, as he began to recombobulate himself, one of the agents should have drawn him a warm bath. Another agent should have prepared some toast and tea, and laid out a newspaper, his favorite pajamas and a robe, as well as a pipe and slippers. A third agent should have played classical music or a CD of Mr. Stone’s choosing, and a fourth ought to have offered him a soothing shoulder rub and lit some sticks of incense to render the ambiance more pleasing. …

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